30/07/25

today was my third day of my second semester of uni, i actually had a really good time today. it started out chaotic. i made a salmon salad and opened a coke. i forgot the coke at home and i swear i smelled like salmon and sesame oil for the rest of the day. i was humiliated. i did a few errands, missed my train, and ended up at my lecture just in time. i sat near the back and the lecturer reminded me of my uncle when he talks about fishing. it was long winded and boring, definetly an old man speech. he asked us for our opinions and then pretended like no one put their hands up. ultimately i had to leave the lecture 10 minutes early because i had another class to go to. i ran to the school store, bought papaer, ran to my studio, tried to put the paper in my folio and got a plethora of paper cuts, getting blood literally everywhere. then i had my 4 hour nude drawing class. this was the highlight of my day, i really enjoy this class. however i need to work on my standing for 4 hours skills. Now im on the rain and im wondering if its a better use of my time to be updating this site or playing umamusume on my ipad. is it cringe to play mobile games on your ipad on the train. i never stop the umamusume grind. I LOVE YOU MAYANO TOP GUN 🫶

28/07/25

Today im debating whether to get the Riven remake, or a new pair of headphones. on one hand i will literally die without music on the other hand i really ejoyed myst, and i feel like riven would be a really fun experience to play on call with my friends. im also saving up for a pc so i need to be smart with my financial choices. I also need to factor in that i already have soma and i havent even finished it. soma is embarrasing to play on call though because im a wuss who jumps at EVERYTHING. even just like... spooky noises. and yet i keep buying horror games. i do need headphones though. my brother gave me his headphones but theyre wired and cant plug into my phone. plus the audio quality sucks. i just dont really like anything that goes in my ear, they hurt and they fall out. id much rahter over ear headphones. especially because i need them to keep my ears warm or my ears start to hurt like a bitch. they hurt so bad when im out in the cold.

25/07/25

i get it. i get it, i understand that what you want isnt a serious friend but someone to makes jokes and amek you feel better. what you want is someone to rant to but never to listen to. someone you never have to put any effort into. unfortunately im an absolute mess. unfortunately im a selfish, disgusting attention whore whos just desperate for the attention and approval of the people who are supposed to be friends "oh thank god tofu decided to placate her, so i didnt have to do my monthly empathy routine" wow thank god someone else cared for my friend so i didnt have to. thank god someone else listened to her so she can continue to listen to me. i love feeling unappreciated, i love feeling like i will always be second to other people, i love feeling like a waste of emotional investment, i love feeling like its too much effort to listen to me. i love feeling like an afterthought. i love feeling like my friends simply see me as entertainment, i love feeling like a nice placating friend but never good enough to be the ride or die. i love feeling like im here to give give give give but never to take. i love feeling selfish when i express feelings of loneliness like i dont deserve love, i love feeling like im a bad person for wanting understanding or communication or the same amount of effort i put in. i love feeling like im easily thrown away once i get too disagreeable, once im too ill, once its not a joke anymore. i was typing this out in the groupchat, but its too much. my insecurity is not thier fault but i dint kn ow how to express it fully. i dont know how to convey that this is hurting me without blowing up in a way that would get me isolated even more. all this message would achieve would be mild dissapproving and awkwardness. maybe some placating words, but it wont change anything. people who dont care about me wont care about me more once i cry. it will only make them feel awkward. like they never owed me anything. and they dont.

13/07/25

last night i had a nightmare that my friend added me back into a group chat without my permission, and when i looked up my real life friend was screaming at me to put my shoes on, but i couldnt get them on fast enough before we started running, and neither could any of my other friends. so we were all running with our heels out of our shoes from a bomb that we somehow knew was coming. and we took shelter in this small shop that was selling art. but all the art was AI. and i got really mad at the shop owner and we had an argument. and we all got kicked out. but then it turned out that the shop owner was also the leader of the place i wanted to volunteer at. so i wasnt allowed to volunteer there anymore. and me and all my shoeless friends went on a rollercoaster forgetting all about the bomb threat.

07/07/25

ive been feeling better today, i dont feel the urge to be opening discord as much. i still do it. but not having access to it on my laptop really helps. the constant presence of it on my laptop was what was really getting me down i think. just having it there looming over me as a reminder that i cut off my friends. I went thrifting today and i got some gifts for my irl friends, and a new denim jacket for me. who said thrift stores could price themselves the way they do. i saw a leather jacket being sold at savers for $60 !? its fucking savers what. you got the jacket for free. anyways i really wanted a dark blue demin jacket for myself so i bought this one for $20, a snoopy bag for my friend Jaime, its totally his vibe!! and a really cool, creepy clown pillow for my frend kittie. i cannot pass up something when it reminds me of a friend 😭 like what if i never see it again... i think im slowly turning into my nana. she's pretty much a horader and tries to give us her stuff as 'gifts'

06/07/25

I feel like my life is falling apart, i cant get a job and my relationship with my mum is tearing at the seams because of it, and it feels like im walking on eggshells all the time in my own home. i havent been out of the house in weeks i just spend my time in my room applying for jobs and doing my art. I'm pretty sure i have social anxiety but i cant afford to go to anyone to try and investigate that so im stuck here overthinking everything and making myself more depressed and i feel like im falling into a black hole. I isolated myself from all of my online and irl friends, i starting ignoring my irls messages and i blocked all of my online friends because i was so sure they hated me and i couldnt deal with it but now i have no one to talk to and i dont know where to go. I dont know how to come back from literally leaving every mutual server and blocking them. how do i even say "i thought you really despised me. i was so sure you were only tolerating me" when i know a part of me still believes that. i still wouldnt feel like they were my real friends why am i like this.

ok its the second half of the day, its not 1am anymore. I woke up this morning feeling like shit, i read some of "the second chance convenience store" and CRIED my eyes out. i felt better after that, and i put some music on, made a salad and cleaned my room. i downloaded an addiction tracker for discord. i know it sounds ridiculous lmfao, but genuinely i care so much about how other people percieve me, if they miss me, etc. And i find myself wanting to secretly check our mutual servers to see if anyone has mentioned me. I want to rely more on my real life friends for support. i cannot be feeling this way every time i lose contact with friends i cant even see in real life. Instead ive been thinking about volunteering, on top of looking for a job of course. but i need something to fill my time that i dont have to spend money on and is actually fulfilling. Overall, im still struggling ofc but i want to be more optimistic

01/07/25

today i was playing stardew valley on my perfection save, just going around and decorating various places on the map bc i have all the money and time in the world to be doing that. i had forgotten that i had mods on.... to date willy. and on this perfection save i had full hearts with every character. so when Lewis was knocking at my door asking me to come to zuzu city with him i was really really confused, thinking it was content i had just never seen before, until i saw this scene and realised that this was a romantic cutscene 😭 IM HAPPILY MARRIED TO HALEY LEAVE ME ALONE

28/06/25

feeling really ignored by the people who are supposed to be my friends :/, i know i cant expect them to be interested in everything i do, but i would like to not be entirely ignored when i try to share work that ive been doing for weeks. i feel so accomplished and in response they just send me their stuff. Which obviously im also interested in, but not in these circumstances. I'd love to see their art and writing and get inspiration from them bc theyre my friends but its hard to focus on their work when i just feel trampled over. i'm hurt by their unashamed and blatant disinterest in my hard work. i wanted to share the joy and i feel like even my closest bonds dont care.

27/06/25

i miiight make an alien stage shrine here, i have a lot to say about the series as a whole now that its finished, and i really would love a space to talk about it outside of fandom spaces. no shade to the alien stage fandom but also all the shade to the alien stage fandom. i hate it there. theres no nuance. and i feel like i cant speak my truth there.

23/06/25

Today i have a lot of things to talk about and think about. Ive been feeling a little bit like a robot recently and I can see myself becoming more like my persona who I wrote as fictional only. it feels a little scary that I'm relating more to a character thats supposed to be an exaggerated version of myself. One that's never supposed to exist in real life, i've always been interested in zombies mostly as a metaphor for capitalism which is a WHOLE rant for another day. But i've never felt any certain pull to robots. They feel too modern. Not very interesting, i've always steered clear from sci-fi, but for some reason I decided to make my sona a cyborg. Probably because the world is going to shit, and I wanted to have a character that can literally escape her reality into the internet, but also because recently I feel like my anxiety has taken me to a new level of NO social awareness. I'm stiff when I talk and I dont think about anything 😭 I genuinely cant get my brain to work and sometimes I just stare off into space. What is happening to me.I feel dismissed by the people closest to me, their once funny jokes just feel like jabs at my character and they feel so dismissive of my project i put my heart and soul into. I asked one friend why they stopped replying to my simple messages like hi or goodmorning or how are you, but would talk to other people, i felt like they had suddenly decided i wasnt good enough or entertaining enough for them. but they told me it was because we were friends, they thought i knew that they appreciate my "hi" and prioritised other less close people. I felt as if i was a video game character they could max out hearts with and then clean their hands with me. I'm a human being for gods sake not a relationship meter, you still need to talk to me. Also, I just feel generally down today because someone I know brought up a story about someone who killed themselves, and was talking about it kind of flippantly idk... I knew someone who killed himself in highschool and he still follows me on spotify, I can pull up our discord messages. We were in the same science class. It feels wrong to be talking about people like they're just another death in the news when real people knew them. It's crazy how desensitised people are to things like death and depression. It only really hits you in the face when its right in front of you.

10/06/25

just got done with most of my uni assignments before winter break, im hoping i can get some more art done and update the site so that its actually fully functioning soon. but i have high hopes for this site, and the projects i want to share here !! im really hoping to build a little safe community